When Is The Best Time To Reveal That The First Time Is Your First Time?
Even with all of the awesome forward strides in recent years, those in the straight community continue to have many misconceptions about gay dating. That it’s easier to find a partner with common interests, for example. Or that those involved in gay dating have fewer problems or issues than straight couples do. But those involved in same sex relationships know that those looking for love face the exact same dilemmas as any straight couple. Issues such as time. Money. Friends. Family. When to become intimate. And oh yes, letting one’s partner know that one is less sexually less experienced than him or her. In fact, as you approach that “magic moment” in your relationship, you may well have to tell your partner that the reason he or she has more sexual experience in your relationship is that, well, you have no sexual experience. That’s right! You’re a (gasp!) virgin!
The Scarlet V?
Let’s take a break from this gay dating conundrum for a moment, and return to those yesteryears of high school. Yes, there’s dating in high school, but we’re returning here to English class, and one of its standbys, Nathaniel Hawthorne’sThe Scarlet Letter. (If you just saw the movie version with Demi Moore and faked reading the book, shame on you.) One of the few classics that was covered that your class wasn’t bored by, it offered school sanctioned permission to read about sex! (Yeah, yeah, the teacher lectured that the novel was really about hypocrisy, but it was a book about sex). And as you may recall, the novel’s sympathetic heroine paid quite a price for it. Exposed as an adulteress after seeking relief from a loveless marriage, she was forced by a Puritan court to brand all of her clothing with red “A”s. Thus could her neighbors tell at a glance that she had committed the double crime of committing adultery, and enjoying sexual intimacy. And as you studied this novel, (aside from thinking that it was a lot more interesting than Silas Marner), you may have also been relieved that modern society no longer branded one with one’s sexual expertise, considerable or otherwise.
Because in addition to many other beliefs and values that have changed over roughly the last three hundred and thirty years, the importance of virginity has also undergone a transformation. Following the “sexual revolution” of the “Swinging” Sixties and “Messed Up” Seventies, sexually intimate relationships became freer, more unconventional, and its participants at least claiming to be sexually active at younger and younger ages. By the start of the twenty first century, it seemed that anyone who graduated from college with his or her virginity intact was either seriously religious or had some serious problems. Once seen as a sign of physical and even mental purity, virginity was now seen as something to be endured and gotten rid of as quickly as possible, like teenage acne. Failing that, one was encouraged to lie or at least talk big to conceal that scarlet “V”.
Is This A “Secret” That Has To Be Shared?
Whether it’s gay dating or heterosexual, there are some universal “rules” as to when it’s the “right” time for The First Time, such as the infamous “Third Date” rule. However, the only time sexual intimacy is “right” in any relationship is when:
- all parties are consenting adults
- there is an equal balance of power within the relationship
- all parties are comfortable with and ready for intimacy, there’s no pressure
So if you feel as though your relationship is approaching this direction, does your partner need to be “warned” that you lack experience in this area? That’s a decision that is entirely up to you, based on your own comfort level. Some virgins want to “confess” to partners prior to intimacy based on concerns about expectations, comfort levels, and possible concerns about disease transmission. Before such a conversation, inexperienced partners should understand that real life “first times” are not the stuff of fiction and cinema. Like lots of real world first times, initial sexual intimacy is usually awkward and uncomfortable, getting better the more you do it. Informing your partner beforehand could help to make this initiation if not magical, then more pleasant. Or not.
Dropping The “V” Bomb
Or not? Wouldn’t a more experienced sexual partner appreciate advance notice so as to be able to adjust his or her own expectations, not to mention possibly adjusting technique? Not always. Some more experienced partners interpret intimacy as an indication that they’re expected to be the more “responsible” one (i.e., gentler, more considerate, more responsible about protection). And others, depending on the ages of the parties involved, may worry that there’s something “wrong” with a virgin. Why are they so sexually inexperienced?
So should this be a conversation you should even have with your partner? Should you allow him or her to bring up the subject? And when should this topic be brought up? In a dry, vague manner (“the party of the first part wants the party of the second part to know…) well in advance of the event? Or in the heat (“oh, by the way”..) of passion? Remember that all parties in a romantic relationship bear equal weight for it. There is no manual or video that helps one lose one’s virginity or prepares one for the experience of the “first time”.
But anyone who contemplates being sexually active in a current or future relationship owes it to themselves to make sure that they have both protection and education at their disposal. One of the “perks” of gay dating that leads to intimacy is not having to worry about birth control. But there are other issues that all partners in such a relationship should be equally concerned about. These issues include disease transmission, comfort, and infection protection. Even if you are the sexual novice in a relationship, you have an obligation to make sure that all parties are protected during intercourse. And with all of the information now openly available online on same sex relationships, inexperienced partners can find information on what to expect within an intimate relationship, and how to make it more pleasurable. Don’t be afraid to use professional organizations as part of this “self sex-ed” either. Although it’s best known for providing other services, one of Planned Parenthood’s missions “is to provide reproductive, sexual, and general health services to persons of all orientations” and they can be a great resource for answering questions and providing advice as well.
Time For “The Talk”
Be aware that homosexual or heterosexual, experienced or virginal, frank talk about sexual needs and expectations is always awkward. Relationship experts say that this startling lack of intimacy among intimate couples is one of the biggest causes of problems among them. What can help with discussing bedroom issues? Surprisingly, discussing themaway from the bedroom, in a calm, casual, indirect manner. Making general comments about a celebrity or a news event can lead to opportunities to guiding the conversation to a more intimate personal conversation, for example.
When should you tell your potential lover about your virginity? Definitely consider doing it prior to lovemaking, since your lover’s reaction could be an indication as to whether or not this is a person you should be intimate with at all.
Come and find the write person to share your virginty with